It’s not exactly breaking news that people are obsessed with butts these days. In fact, 2014 was unofficially dubbed “the year of the butt.” So, when I heard that something called the “fanny facial” existed, I wasn’t surprised. But I was definitely intrigued.
A little research informed me that the treatment consists of a professional giving your booty some TLC for a higher, tighter, smoother derriere. I volunteered as tribute and called up Smooth Synergy Cosmedical Spa in New York City, a.k.a. the masters of the butt facial, and they hooked me up with an appointment gratis. (They cost $130 per treatment with exfoliation normally.)
Treating your butt is pretty enjoyable—at first. After throwing a robe on over my Sisqo-style underwear, lying on the table, and baring my bare ass (which actually did not feel weird at all, BTW), my lovely esthetician Michele scrubbed my butt down with this yummy-smelling papaya product and finished the cleansing process with a hot towel, ahhhh. But that was just the beginning…
There’s serious butt-shaping technology involved. After the first part of the treatment, I realized I didn’t quite do my homework on what this process entailed. I assumed a spa service with the word “fanny” in the name had to involve equally adorable treatments. Well, as it turns out, Michele meant business.
Immediately after the hot towel, Michele explained that she would be using microcurrent (see: electricity) therapy to stimulate the muscles in my butt. She placed two sticky pads on each of my cheeks and two on the top of my leg right below the donk. Those pads were hooked up to a pink board that kind of reminded me of something a DJ would use to mix songs. Then, she fired it up.
You’ll see your butt do things only seen on Amber Rose’s Instagram. Once the machine was on, the microcurrents started stimulating the muscles in my glutes. And, man, were they stimulated. The process, which is meant to engage your butt muscles much like you would with squats or other exercises, said Michele, feels like intervals of uncontrollable cheek clenching. Weird? Yes. Painful? Nope.
Having no control over my arse was…interesting. I was completely relaxed, but my booty was clapping (I believe that’s the technical term for booty shaking) more than I ever thought possible. If only I had the skills to do this without the help of electrical currents. #Goals.
People are doing this all. The. Time. Michele, who has been performing microcurrent therapy on people’s bodies and faces for the past 20-some years, said women are coming in as often as twice a week to have their butts lifted without going under the knife or hitting up the gym. Although this type of muscle-toning technology isn’t new, she said that in recent years people have been asking for the service on their rear ends more than ever. And it’s not just aging celebrities or housewives who are paying $130 for their fanny facials; Michele said that she often works on college-aged women looking to become more bootylicious. Typically, these sessions last about 45 minutes and most people read, take a nap, or check their email while they do their booty work, which sounds like a great way to multitask to me.
There’s a setting for advanced fanny facial fans—and it’s intense. After about 40 minutes of the clench,unclench sequence, Michele explained that there’s another setting on the microcurrent machine that targets cellulite and fat cells to make your butt a bit smaller and dimple-free, but it feels totally different than the last setting. Obviously I wasn’t going to pass up a chance to try it out. Go big or go home, amiright?
After rearranging the pads, Michele turned the machine on—and bam—the spots where the pads were felt itchy, and my butt and legs were twerking at hyper speed. She explained that this setting feels more intense because it’s targeting fat and lymphatic drainage. But whatever it was doing, it was going at it pretty hard. After about five minutes, I threw in the towel.
It actually made a difference. Post-booty shaking finale, Michele took off the pads, cleansed the area, and finished with another hot towel, which was much appreciated. On my walk back to the office, my butt actually felt tighter, but after 45 minutes of twerking intervals, I’m not surprised. When I got home that night, I took a look in the mirror and saw a glowier derriere, but as far as I could tell, it didn’t look lifted. However, Michele warned me that most people don’t see a significant difference in the shape of their butt until after at least 10 sessions, so I wasn’t disappointed. Like a regular facial, the post-spa glow faded after a day or two.
Overall, my time at fanny facial central was enjoyable, relaxing, a little bit funny, and a small step towards living my most bootylicious life. Thanks, Michele!